The police get younger by the day

When was the last time I had to call the police? Must have been when I got knocked off my bike. That was about 10 months ago.

So I'm not a police stalker. I don't have 999 on speed dial. I think my phone actually does, but I didn't set it. I know they've got a rubbish job to do and anyway, they don't tend to be the most talkative of types at the best of times.

But last night I heard my side gate go. Then I heard someone walk down my path. It was about 3am and I was about to nod off and it must have been about that time when I did.

Lizzie comes up this morning and tells me the side gate is wide open. I'm sure I bolted it. So that must mean that someone has come through the garden and out through the gate. Nothing is missing, the shed is still there, and the bushes.

It's a mystery, and one I thought the plod might want to know about, seeing as the person who exited through my gate could quite easily have just ransacked the neighbour.

Now some time in the past 10 months our police force, guardians of civilised society, keepers of the peace, has been modernised. When you call their non emergency number (0300 333 4444) you get put through not to the station up the road but to a call centre. Located in Scotland. Here, after the obligatory wait and minefield of menu options, an operator will give you the mobile phone number of the 'Neighbourhood Specialist Officer' for our area.

I called it and got an Orange answerphone. A few hours later I got a text from the number I called. "Who is this?" it said. "Who are you?" I replied. I got a text back saying his name was Joe.

I wasn't really expecting this kind of response from a Neighbourhood Specialist Officer. It didn't instill a lot of confidence. I thought the police were supposed to be a little more proactive. Talk on the phone maybe.

So I called Joe. The voice at the end of the line sounded 10 years old, if that. I told him I was looking for a police officer. I heard a gulp.

And that is the state of the police force today. We are reduced to trusting our very well-being on operatives in Scottish call centres, who give out the numbers of 10-year-old school children in the mistaken belief that they are an officer of the law.

I never did get to telling anyone about what happened in my garden last night. Perhaps it's a good thing. I understand badgers are becoming very resourceful these days. It was probably one of them.

But there is one little kid out there who's going to bed tonight and won't be able to sleep because he thinks the police are onto him. I bet he'll never punch his teddy bear again.

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